Hall of Shame ~ Part XII

Well, it has been a few weeks since I have had the burning desire to write a Hall of Shame blog. Mind you, it is not because I have not had any fools to destroy with my rapier wit; I have just been otherwise occupied. But, there was just no way that this guy could escape without some special recognition in my favorite blog series. So read below for his ridiculous e-mail and for my commentary. Seriously . . . what a sad, sad state of affairs the world is in if this is the quality of men that find me attractive!

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From: Arizona Whoknows
Date: March 13, 2008 11:41 PM
Subject: DAMN U R 1 GORGEOUS LADY CAN WE CHAT PLEASE
HI,IM ARIZONA AND I SAW U AND UR PROFILE MY YEARBOOK AND ALL I CAN SAY IS THAT I THINK U R SODAMN DROP DEAD GORGEOUS PLUS I WANT 2 SAY IF U COULD SIT ACROSS THE PORCH FROM GOD U WOULD THANK HIM 4 LENDING ME 2 U "NO I WOULD THANK HIM AND GAVE HIM ALL MY PRAISE 4 LETTIN ME ENTER N2 UR LIFE AND SHOW U HOW A MAN SUPPOSED 2 TREAT A BABY GODDESS LIKE U WITH NOTHING BUT 2 SPOIL, LUV, AND PAPMER UNTIL HE TAKES U AWAY FROM ME I WILL ALWAYS BE GRATEFUL 4 THE BABY GODDESS THAT HE GAVE ME 4 MY LIFE TIME CUZ IF I CAN SHARE JUST ONE MOMENT WITH U I CAN JUST DIE AND GO 2 HEAVEN A VERY VERY DAMN LUCKY ASS MAN REALLY I THINK U R SODAMN DROP DEAD GORGEOUS AND I WOULD LUV 2 GET 2KNOW U IF U DONT MIND SO "IF U LIKE LETS CHAT THERE NO HARM IN THAT" IF U LIKE IM ON YAHOO MESSAGER AT XXXXXXXXX@YAHOO.COM OR IF U LIKE HERE MY . ITS 540 397-XXXX CALL ME ARIZONA "THE KING OF TONGUES

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1. Let me start with your chosen name. Arizona?!? Come on! I know there are some horribly ridiculous parents out there that name their children bizarre things . . . but to deliberately pick the name of a state as your name? Jack donkey!

2. Next . . . have you ever heard of something called punctuation? Well, obviously you have not. I will not even mention sentence structure, as you may break out in hives at the concept.

3. Shall we count how many times you cursed in the e-mail? Five! Boy, if you cannot even send an e-mail without swearing, what is the likelihood that you could converse like an intelligent person? Ummm . . . not very likely!

4. Typographical errors are not a good thing. If you are going to try to woo a woman with your words, make sure that you spell them correctly. You want to ’papmer’ me? Is that something kinky that I have not yet been exposed to? Well, regardless, I am not interested.

5. Did you seriously give me your phone number in an introductory e-mail? Come on! Do you know the damage that I could do with that? If I were even slightly less of a decent person, I would post that puppy online and have ten thousand people calling you within minutes. Fool!

6. There isn’t any harm in chatting? Maybe not for you . . . what about me? I would be rapidly driven insane by your poor grammar, foul language, and all caps! Poison eye!

7. The King of Tongues?!? I threw up in my mouth when I read that. I am still distinctly nauseous at the thought. In fact, I may never be the same.

8. You say that if you could spend just one moment with me that you could die and go to heaven a lucky man. Is that a promise? Because if it is, I think I could personally sacrifice that moment in time if it will save the rest of the world the hassle of having to experience you in any way, shape, or form.

9. If I am so drop dead gorgeous, why are you still alive? Hmmm . . . there is something to ponder. Go ahead . . . drop dead. I’m waiting . . .